Not Everyone Will Like Your Boundaries
If You Were Never Taught Boundaries, You’re Not Broken.
Original artwork by B. Littleton
Excerpts from Life After a Narcissist: Discovering Your Amazing Self
Chapter on Boundaries: Sections 4 & 5
Not Everyone Will Like Your Boundaries
When we begin to set boundaries after years of compliance, silence, or self-sacrifice, there will be pushback. It’s common to second-guess ourselves in these moments. We ask: Was I too harsh? Too cold? Too much? Especially when the reaction is anger, guilt-tripping, or emotional withdrawal.
But here’s what’s true: healthy people welcome clarity. Unhealthy people resist it.
A healthy person might feel surprised or even disappointed by a boundary, but they won’t make it about your worth. They won’t punish you for having limits. They’ll ask questions. They’ll listen. They’ll adapt. Because they value connection that honors both people—not just the part that serves them.
Unhealthy dynamics, on the other hand, often rely on blurred lines, overgiving, and silent resentment. When you begin to name your needs, speak your limits, or say no, those who benefited from your silence may feel threatened. Their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It may be the clearest evidence that you’re doing something right.
The resistance you face is not a sign your boundary is wrong.
It is often proof that it is necessary.
As Prentis Hemphill so beautifully says:
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
This is the heart of it. Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They are about protecting the space where both people can show up whole. They create enough room for mutual respect to take root. They allow love to be honest rather than performative. They honor both the you and the me—because sustainable love cannot exist where only one person is safe.
If You Were Never Taught Boundaries, You’re Not Broken
In families where children are viewed as emotional extensions of their caregivers, boundaries are often absent. There is no room to say no. No room for emotional privacy. Love is confused with compliance.
Statements like:
“Don’t be difficult.”
“Stop making this about you.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
...train a child to disconnect from their inner knowing. Over time, this child becomes an adult who feels responsible for everyone’s comfort but their own.
Many people don't discover the necessity of boundaries until something breaks—after a toxic relationship, burnout, betrayal, or the quiet desperation of feeling unseen for too long.
But there is no expiration date on healing.
Boundaries become the doorway into a new kind of life—one built on choice, agency, and emotional honesty.
As Melody Beattie writes,
“We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.”
This quote often feels jarring at first. It goes against everything many people were taught about kindness and connection. But it speaks a truth that can change lives: it is not your job to make someone feel good about the boundary you need to set.
Most people who struggle with boundaries were conditioned to anticipate others’ emotional reactions before they even voiced their own needs. They learned to scan the room for mood shifts, soften their tone, over-explain, or abandon the request entirely if it caused even a flicker of discomfort in someone else.
In daily life, this might look like:
Not asking for alone time because a partner might feel rejected.
Staying silent when someone crosses a line, so they don’t feel embarrassed.
Avoiding a necessary conversation with a friend because “they’re going through a lot.”
This is what Melody Beattie calls over-functioning—emotionally managing for others to avoid conflict, rejection, or guilt.
Unlearning this doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you honest.
Setting a boundary and worrying less about how it lands for others is a radical shift, especially for those who equated love with keeping the peace. But peace built on self-suppression isn’t peace at all. It’s performance.
Reclaiming your life begins when you give yourself permission to say,
“This matters to me.”
“This is what I need.”
“This is where I end, and you begin.”
It’s not about being harsh. It’s about being whole.
Written by Brenda Littleton
Original artwork by B. Littleton
Tin Flea Press c. 2025